I was sitting in church the other day thinking of some recent conversations with different people, and as I looked around at everybody talking, laughing before, then after church started worshiping and singing...the thought came to my mind, how many times do I, personally get so caught up in my own problems and my own busy selfish life that I don't REALLY see those around me.... and what about everybody else? If it happens to me, I'm sure it happens to others. So, I sat there hoping nobody would notice me crying and I started praying for each person the Lord let me "see" for each very different problem, He is the answer to them all, from that night came these simple thoughts...I did warn you they are simple, I am not spiritual or wise and don't claim to be either, God help me if I ever do! ;)
She sits two pews back, at the end of your seat, or maybe across the aisle
She's the teenage girl who comes with her brother, their parents stay at home
She's the mother of three who the Doctors just told, she may never live to grow old
She's that poor lonely widow, just getting by with no one to hold her when she cries
She's that stressed out parent trying to juggle Mommy, student and wife
She's the one who has fallen so far she is afraid to even try, so fear holds her captive, and each passing day it grows stronger, does anybody hear her silent plea
She's the prodigal daughter who longs to come Home, but can't quite find her way back. So her mother's prays with a heavy heart, hoping somehow and some day her daughter will come Home before it's to late.
Do I really see them, Do I even think to try
Or am I so caught up with my own Life that I didn't notice
Do I call their name in prayer, do I help them carry their load
Do I reach out in kindness and have compassion for all
Or am I unknowingly blind to the burdens of others
Open my eyes that I can see, as Christ would have us to see one another,
with compassion, Love, Forgiveness, Prayer, with open arms, an encouraging word,
to speak the truth with love & humbleness
Wisdom to know the difference between Sin and the Sinner.
One of the greatest gifts a person can give is to say, I am praying for you.
One of the most powerful and healing words that can be received is for somebody to say to you, "I am praying for you, or I am praying for your lost family, I am praying for your healing, I am praying....for you"
and to know they really mean it when they say it.
My prayer is that God gives me a burden for those around me, it isn't Christlike for me to see the broken heart of another and not care, not love them enough to help them pray through that prayer that could lift their burden and make Life bearable. After all, when I am broken.....who will pray for me.....
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Jadyn
I ran to Wal-Mart tonight, as I was looking for the right tape, Jadyn is in front of my cart where they had the Posters and calendars. She picks up this Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Calendar. She brings it to me and says in a shocked kinda voice, "Mom! This is not appropriate at all?!" No Jadyn it's not but, I bet every man in this store would disagree with us....She then turns it over so she could put the front part of it facing the back of the rack to cover the very skimpy bikini, and then sees 12 more photos, "Mom! This is not appropriate, do you think?!" I was laughing at her and went back to looking at my tape she came back and said, "I put it in the very back behind the rest so nobody would see it!" It was funny in one sense but in another, it's sad than an 8yr old has more modesty than the majority of this world we live in.....just my entertainment for the evening ;)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Close call!
Last night I made Ramen Noodles for this kids bedtime snack, I told Tre to let me know when it started boiling and so he did, I asked him to turn off the burner. I went in there and dished out the noodles for all 4 of them. we finished our routine and went to bed. I slept upstairs last night because it is so much easier with Gary being on 2nds, then we don't tend to wake him up the next morning. I heard him in the middle of the night come upstairs and go to each child's room, then he comes in where I was sleeping so I tried to wake up and ask what's wrong, he said when he got home the downstairs part of the house was full of gas, he didn't know how it didn't explode, he opened all the doors and turned on fans ( we have double doors and back door close to kitchen) then came to see if we were still alive and breathing...looking back I remember yesterday when I turned that burner off there was still a blue flame very tiny but still I had to blow on it to get it out. I don't know which burner it was I will have to ask Gary when he wakes. Then see if it wasn't that burner if any of the kids touched the stove or wiped up their noodle mess and might have turned on the gas without knowing.... Anyways, I am just very thankful that we are all alive today, it could very well have been a different outcome, if this was a small house then we would for sure be dead because, it had been on for over 5 hours....kinda odd cause I normally smell gas right off, as I am still a little paranoid using it...with good reason I guess.....every night Ethan makes me pray over him before bed, and one of our prayers is that God keeps us safe while we sleep, last night He answered that prayer in a very big way.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Preparing for death.....and finding Life
As I was going about my day the thought came to me of just how really mindful of our needs the Lord is.
Maybe I already blogged about this, or maybe it has just been on my mind a lot lately. There have been so many times I have prepared myself for "death". sometimes in the spiritual sense, sometimes the death of my hopes, or dreams, or just really wondered and worried about how I would make it through the week. At times I have been spiritually starving, or emotionally drained, physically sick, or so broke we couldn't buy groceries, heart broken, let down by somebody I had confidence in.....you know, just times when you want to feel sorry for yourself.I wondered, how will I get the spiritual FOOD for my soul, I would look in all the right places but instead of food it was an empty paper plate I found. That is when I learned I have to have food for my soul at home, always before I could just go to church and as he has done for 20+ years Bro. Bennie would spiritually feed me. The bible said, in I Samuel 30
(Read it for yourself , http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Samuel+30&version=KJV )
6And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.
this was a time when everything David loved, his wives, the wives of his men, the children of his men, had all been kidnapped and everything in their camp burnt. There has never been a time in my life when things were this bad! If David in the midst of such sorrow could, encourage or strengthen himself in the Lord, surely I could do the same. Surely, I can look back on my life and the goodness of God, the mercy He has shown, the Grace he has given and the Peace I now have.....and find strength after all He is still the same God, He has seen me through before, and He has promised to see me through, always.
I was reminded of the widow woman in I Kings 17, who had prepared to die.
12And she said, As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.
(Read it yourself, don't take my word for it : http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Kings+17&version=KJV )
This lady was down to her last meal, quite literally! No money to buy anything, no garden to harvest, not one more meal in the house beside this "death meal", she wasn't eating cake ( of course I am thinking Chocolate) she was mixing together oil and flour....how much more broke can you be?! And Yet if you read the rest of this chapter you see how God DAILY provided "just enough". There are so many days that God has made a way and I will pray, "But what about tomorrow Lord, what will we do tomorrow", and yet when tomorrow comes, He provides for yet another day.
Psalms 68 :19 Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits...
Read it: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalms%2068&version=KJV )
It is with a thankful heart that I have went through my day, humbled yet again by His goodness to our family. I may not have a million $ but , I have a God who will supply my needs daily, and that is good enough for me ;)
On a side note, thank-you for all the encouragement for my blog, I am overwhelmed at the emails or texts or kind words, I pray that you are encouraged, uplifted, and that you are reminded Life is hard no doubt about it but, isn't God good to each of us....
Love,
Jamie
Saturday, January 21, 2012
My Laundry Soap Recipie
You can find many other recipes for laundry soap on the internet, this is one I have tweaked till it suited me :)
1C Borax
1C Washing Soda
1C Biz (or any other Laundry booster)
1 bar of Fels Naptha
Grate the Fels-Naptha bar VERY FINE. Add to a large pot of hot water. Heat till soap melts. DO NOT OVER STIR and DO NOT LET BOIL. I then add the rest of the powdered soaps and stir slowly until it is dissolved as much as possible.
Pour into 5 Gal. Container
I got one like this at wal-mart it is all gray though and is a 5 gallon under $5.
SLOWLY add more hot water till full, keep stirring to dissolve the powders. I always pour from a pitcher into the container. Reason is, I don't like to create bubbles because your detergent will be all frothy and I hate that.....
okay here is where you choose.
-I like to use this recipe with 2/3 detergent and 1/3 water mixture or just straight detergent.
-You can however make this 5 gal into 10 gal. of detergent
-If you go by some recipes this would make 20gallons......This is just how I make mine, I like it this way and it cleans very well. I didn't feel that adding all the water cleaned my clothes as well. Of course it doesn't go as far but it is still cheaper, and still works wonderful.
BTW- You can use this with your HE machines I read 2TBSP per load. If what I read is correct it is better for your machines than the store bought brands.
I always use Fabric Softner. and here is a tip for you, I always just used Downey or Gain but somebody bought me a less expensive brand and it smells WONDERFUL!!!! The Yellow is my favorite, then the purple....Wish I would have tried it a long time ago!
1C Borax
1C Washing Soda
1C Biz (or any other Laundry booster)
1 bar of Fels Naptha
Pour into 5 Gal. Container
SLOWLY add more hot water till full, keep stirring to dissolve the powders. I always pour from a pitcher into the container. Reason is, I don't like to create bubbles because your detergent will be all frothy and I hate that.....
okay here is where you choose.
-I like to use this recipe with 2/3 detergent and 1/3 water mixture or just straight detergent.
-You can however make this 5 gal into 10 gal. of detergent
-If you go by some recipes this would make 20gallons......This is just how I make mine, I like it this way and it cleans very well. I didn't feel that adding all the water cleaned my clothes as well. Of course it doesn't go as far but it is still cheaper, and still works wonderful.
BTW- You can use this with your HE machines I read 2TBSP per load. If what I read is correct it is better for your machines than the store bought brands.
I always use Fabric Softner. and here is a tip for you, I always just used Downey or Gain but somebody bought me a less expensive brand and it smells WONDERFUL!!!! The Yellow is my favorite, then the purple....Wish I would have tried it a long time ago!
Friday, January 20, 2012
You ever wonder?
-Who thought making a toilet seat out of wood?! Seriously.
It's not like you want to spray Pledge on it for two very obvious reasons,
1- in case of an emergency you would totally go sliding of the opposite side and into the floor,
2- Pledge does not kill bacteria nor properly clean what all needs cleaned on a toilet seat.....which leads to my next what were they thinking question, if you clean a toilet with bleach, or an anti-bacterial cleaner as you should.....eventually the nice finish on the wood is going to wear off in places.....which can lead to a splinter in a very uncomfortable place....so am I the only one to think about such a weird thing......of course none of you have random thoughts I'm sure ;)
It's not like you want to spray Pledge on it for two very obvious reasons,
1- in case of an emergency you would totally go sliding of the opposite side and into the floor,
2- Pledge does not kill bacteria nor properly clean what all needs cleaned on a toilet seat.....which leads to my next what were they thinking question, if you clean a toilet with bleach, or an anti-bacterial cleaner as you should.....eventually the nice finish on the wood is going to wear off in places.....which can lead to a splinter in a very uncomfortable place....so am I the only one to think about such a weird thing......of course none of you have random thoughts I'm sure ;)
The Real Me...
http://youtu.be/i6RezoHKni0
Just one of my favorites, one of those healing songs for those hurting, those broken, those feeling unloved .......those that Christ came to restore, and redeem
One of my absolute favorite artists, and yes to those that know me, she is beyond Mariah ;)
Just one of my favorites, one of those healing songs for those hurting, those broken, those feeling unloved .......those that Christ came to restore, and redeem
One of my absolute favorite artists, and yes to those that know me, she is beyond Mariah ;)
A piece of my heart
I wrote this post weeks ago but couldn't bear posting it, I put it up then removed it and just saved it, as it is so personal, but maybe it is time to post it. So, if this is for you I pray your encouraged in reading, and knowing your not alone.
With Love & Prayer, Jamie
I have had soo many of you comment or personal message me about my blog. It seems the more personal and harder time I have sharing something, the more it has helped another.
I am a private person. When I am hurt, I don't like to talk about it, I don't like to think about it, and most of all I don't want you to know about it, I don't cry in front of others when I am hurt, I don't feel.......there are times I have went without praying for days, and that is awful to admit, because I could not bear having to kneel before God and letting Him see how broken I was,(as if HE didn't know....blondes..)
I was afraid to let myself cry for fear I would never stop, I was afraid to pour out my heart to Him because it meant I would have to confront and feel my inner pain. I would lay down at night and say, "God, I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you right now, it's not you, it's me." I would go as long as I could then finally, when I knew I couldn't keep avoiding Him, and nobody was around to hear me, I would cry, body shaking sobbing would be a better description, it wasn't pretty..... and then I would talk to God, sometimes I think like Hannah, my heart and my tears told him more than my words ever could.
I don't know, maybe this is normal behavior or at least it makes me feel better to tell myself that. haha!
I look back at my life and I had a normal childhood nothing awful ever happened to me to make me react this way to heartbreak, but I always had a hard time talking about my feelings. And Life as it will, teaches us early what a broken heart is, what disappointment is, what betrayal feels like....the Bible says, If I have hope in this life only, I would be miserable, and isn't that the truth?!
2001 was the best year of my life,spiritually speaking, for the first time EVER I had more of a relationship with God than I ever had before, I prayed a lot.....I mean like more than once a day and 10min at a time. I mean for an hour or more and hated to stop at that. For the first time I knew God was real, that He was alive and that He was my friend.
Then one night at church the Holy Ghost gave me a message through somebody saying, "Do not think i would leave you out, I would never leave you out, I have loved you from birth, and I will give you the desires of your Heart" I can't remember all but that was the most of it. I really wasn't sure what that meant, did it mean whatever I wanted most was what He would give me? Did it mean that the thought that had just passed through my mind before He spoke to me? Did it mean I would have a baby girl? I didn't know.
shortly after that I became pregnant, and so I thought this must be what the Holy Ghost meant God is going to give me a baby girl! I was thrilled. I remember a friend asking me what did I think it would be and I said "God said he would give me the desires of my heart and I think this is the baby girl I have been praying for!" Shortly after that on Sept 11, 2001, while the terrorist were attacking New York and the world was falling apart or so it seemed, I miscarried the baby.
It was such a hard time, I had never miscarried before and never gave thought that I would as I was so young and both Cayden and Tre` were no problem. It was shocking to me to have to go through the things you go through when you miscarry, I had no idea it would be so difficult. I had to go into the OB office where all these expecting moms were and tell the receptionist why I was there and give them that "brown bag" so they could test it and see if I needed to go to the hospital. It was so hard to leave knowing I had just given them "a piece of my heart". After that , on the outside I was fine but inside I was broken. I felt guilty, I felt that I had been prideful in saying God was giving ME the desire of my heart, that maybe I had a proud or haughty spirit or thought myself above others cause God was answering my prayers......Looking back I know that was the Devil tormenting my mind and also just normal human emotions, as a mom we are to protect our children and yet somehow before mine was even born I had failed. You could tell me it wasn't my fault and I would just nod because I knew that but inside I still felt like it was my fault. since then I have miscarried 3 other times, and every time has taken a piece of my heart. Today when I look back, God knew and knows more than I ever will, I have to trust Him.
Yet still all this time later I have struggled with the guilt, it has affected my spiritual life in ways I can't explain I was always scared to say God did this for me because I never wanted to seem boastful, I have struggled with thinking God wasn't hearing my prayers because I was being punished, it seemed the harder I fought back the worse Life was getting.
See when God gave us this house to rent, it is more than just a house, it is proof to the Devil and to myself that God answers MY prayers, not because I am anything more than dirt but because no matter what I am HE LOVES ME, it's because He hears my prayers and I can finally say after 10 years this is one battle I have won. There are some battles that leave scars and they do "Take a Piece of your heart" but, I find comfort in knowing those pieces of my heart, are safe.....in Heaven.
If living a Holiness life that others think is crazy, if giving up the so called pleasures of this world, if living a Holy life on the inside as well as the outside, that is what I must do, because all that really is important is when God takes the "pieces" of my heart and puts them back together... when He makes me whole again.
If you find yourself facing battles in your mind, if the enemy of your soul tries to make you feel guilt so that your afraid to put your trust in God because, your not good enough, if Satan tries to make you feel less of a christian because bad things have happened to you or those you love, take heart, your not alone.
Satan has tried this same lie and this same tactic on more than one child of God. Satan knows God loves us, he knows this more than we ourselves do, why else would he try so hard to make us doubt God's love, our self worth. The more you have to fight those feelings of doubting God's love, instead of blaming yourself, lift up your head, encourage yourself, if God didn't love you why is He bottling each tear your cry? why is he counting every hair of your head? And why is the devil trying so hard to convince you otherwise?
Psalms 56
8)Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
9)When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me.
11)In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.
Matthew 10:29-31
29)Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.
30) But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
31) Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
With Love & Prayer, Jamie
I have had soo many of you comment or personal message me about my blog. It seems the more personal and harder time I have sharing something, the more it has helped another.
I am a private person. When I am hurt, I don't like to talk about it, I don't like to think about it, and most of all I don't want you to know about it, I don't cry in front of others when I am hurt, I don't feel.......there are times I have went without praying for days, and that is awful to admit, because I could not bear having to kneel before God and letting Him see how broken I was,(as if HE didn't know....blondes..)
I was afraid to let myself cry for fear I would never stop, I was afraid to pour out my heart to Him because it meant I would have to confront and feel my inner pain. I would lay down at night and say, "God, I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you right now, it's not you, it's me." I would go as long as I could then finally, when I knew I couldn't keep avoiding Him, and nobody was around to hear me, I would cry, body shaking sobbing would be a better description, it wasn't pretty..... and then I would talk to God, sometimes I think like Hannah, my heart and my tears told him more than my words ever could.
I don't know, maybe this is normal behavior or at least it makes me feel better to tell myself that. haha!
I look back at my life and I had a normal childhood nothing awful ever happened to me to make me react this way to heartbreak, but I always had a hard time talking about my feelings. And Life as it will, teaches us early what a broken heart is, what disappointment is, what betrayal feels like....the Bible says, If I have hope in this life only, I would be miserable, and isn't that the truth?!
2001 was the best year of my life,spiritually speaking, for the first time EVER I had more of a relationship with God than I ever had before, I prayed a lot.....I mean like more than once a day and 10min at a time. I mean for an hour or more and hated to stop at that. For the first time I knew God was real, that He was alive and that He was my friend.
Then one night at church the Holy Ghost gave me a message through somebody saying, "Do not think i would leave you out, I would never leave you out, I have loved you from birth, and I will give you the desires of your Heart" I can't remember all but that was the most of it. I really wasn't sure what that meant, did it mean whatever I wanted most was what He would give me? Did it mean that the thought that had just passed through my mind before He spoke to me? Did it mean I would have a baby girl? I didn't know.
shortly after that I became pregnant, and so I thought this must be what the Holy Ghost meant God is going to give me a baby girl! I was thrilled. I remember a friend asking me what did I think it would be and I said "God said he would give me the desires of my heart and I think this is the baby girl I have been praying for!" Shortly after that on Sept 11, 2001, while the terrorist were attacking New York and the world was falling apart or so it seemed, I miscarried the baby.
It was such a hard time, I had never miscarried before and never gave thought that I would as I was so young and both Cayden and Tre` were no problem. It was shocking to me to have to go through the things you go through when you miscarry, I had no idea it would be so difficult. I had to go into the OB office where all these expecting moms were and tell the receptionist why I was there and give them that "brown bag" so they could test it and see if I needed to go to the hospital. It was so hard to leave knowing I had just given them "a piece of my heart". After that , on the outside I was fine but inside I was broken. I felt guilty, I felt that I had been prideful in saying God was giving ME the desire of my heart, that maybe I had a proud or haughty spirit or thought myself above others cause God was answering my prayers......Looking back I know that was the Devil tormenting my mind and also just normal human emotions, as a mom we are to protect our children and yet somehow before mine was even born I had failed. You could tell me it wasn't my fault and I would just nod because I knew that but inside I still felt like it was my fault. since then I have miscarried 3 other times, and every time has taken a piece of my heart. Today when I look back, God knew and knows more than I ever will, I have to trust Him.
Yet still all this time later I have struggled with the guilt, it has affected my spiritual life in ways I can't explain I was always scared to say God did this for me because I never wanted to seem boastful, I have struggled with thinking God wasn't hearing my prayers because I was being punished, it seemed the harder I fought back the worse Life was getting.
See when God gave us this house to rent, it is more than just a house, it is proof to the Devil and to myself that God answers MY prayers, not because I am anything more than dirt but because no matter what I am HE LOVES ME, it's because He hears my prayers and I can finally say after 10 years this is one battle I have won. There are some battles that leave scars and they do "Take a Piece of your heart" but, I find comfort in knowing those pieces of my heart, are safe.....in Heaven.
If living a Holiness life that others think is crazy, if giving up the so called pleasures of this world, if living a Holy life on the inside as well as the outside, that is what I must do, because all that really is important is when God takes the "pieces" of my heart and puts them back together... when He makes me whole again.
If you find yourself facing battles in your mind, if the enemy of your soul tries to make you feel guilt so that your afraid to put your trust in God because, your not good enough, if Satan tries to make you feel less of a christian because bad things have happened to you or those you love, take heart, your not alone.
Satan has tried this same lie and this same tactic on more than one child of God. Satan knows God loves us, he knows this more than we ourselves do, why else would he try so hard to make us doubt God's love, our self worth. The more you have to fight those feelings of doubting God's love, instead of blaming yourself, lift up your head, encourage yourself, if God didn't love you why is He bottling each tear your cry? why is he counting every hair of your head? And why is the devil trying so hard to convince you otherwise?
Psalms 56
8)Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
9)When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me.
11)In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.
Matthew 10:29-31
29)Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.
30) But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
31) Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Prayers of a 5yr old....
Last night before bed, I called the kids to my room so we could pray together before bed. I don't make them do this every night cause I remember hating it when I was Cayden and Tre` age, but there are some prayers that need to be prayed as the Bible says in the midst of two or three....so I said a prayer and said Amen, and Ethan eye's still closed, head in hands, says as only a 5yr old little boy can, "And help don't make Papaw die." Sometimes, there just aren't words..... ;)
This must have gotten him to thinking cause he woke me up later by getting in my bed and asking about those that have already gone to Heaven and how they got there....like I said, sometime there just aren't words, at least not good enough to explain to a 5 yr old little boy whose nickname is "Dennis" (the Menace)
A song has been going over and over in my mind since Sis Debbie Roberts died, she was such a Proverbs 31 lady, a Virtuous Woman.
"How Beautiful Heaven must be, Sweet Home of the Happy and Free
Fair Haven of Rest for the weary, How beautiful Heaven must be."
This must have gotten him to thinking cause he woke me up later by getting in my bed and asking about those that have already gone to Heaven and how they got there....like I said, sometime there just aren't words, at least not good enough to explain to a 5 yr old little boy whose nickname is "Dennis" (the Menace)
A song has been going over and over in my mind since Sis Debbie Roberts died, she was such a Proverbs 31 lady, a Virtuous Woman.
"How Beautiful Heaven must be, Sweet Home of the Happy and Free
Fair Haven of Rest for the weary, How beautiful Heaven must be."
Monday, January 16, 2012
Do I really have to?!
Sometimes writing this blog is so hard for me to do. It isn't that the words fail me, it is that the things God lays on my heart to share are the last things on earth I want for anybody to know!!!
From the personal emails and the messages I get regarding my posts, I feel that if me sharing my most personal experiences in Life with you, encourages you in your daily walk with Christ, or if it somehow brings you back Home, or if it leads you to wanting to know Christ as your own personal Savior then the humility and shame that I feel in my failures and the amazing Grace and Mercy of God you see in my life, then I guess I have to write what I feel God has laid on my heart.
Just know it is with a broken and humbled heart that I write, I have nothing to be proud of, only to be Thankful and grateful to God, my Father, Jesus, my Savior , and the Holy Ghost, my comforter.
From the personal emails and the messages I get regarding my posts, I feel that if me sharing my most personal experiences in Life with you, encourages you in your daily walk with Christ, or if it somehow brings you back Home, or if it leads you to wanting to know Christ as your own personal Savior then the humility and shame that I feel in my failures and the amazing Grace and Mercy of God you see in my life, then I guess I have to write what I feel God has laid on my heart.
Just know it is with a broken and humbled heart that I write, I have nothing to be proud of, only to be Thankful and grateful to God, my Father, Jesus, my Savior , and the Holy Ghost, my comforter.
What might have been....
if you could go back in time and be a spectator of my life, there isn't much I would be proud for you to see. I was a preacher's daughter, with a rebellious heart.
In retrospect I understand the teenage me much better now than I did then. It wasn't so much that I wanted to be a sinner, or that I wanted to hurt the few people that cared for me. I just wanted to fit in with my older friends, it was that from the time I was 12 yrs old I had been talked about and lied on, I was hurting and scared and trying to prove I was neither.
By the time I was 16 people didn't have to lie on me anymore, I gave them plenty to talk about. I remember going to bed at night afraid I would die and wake up in Hell or that the Rapture would take place and I would be left....alone. I would freak out if I couldn't find my parents all of a sudden and not know where they were, thinking the Rapture had taken place and I had missed it.
You would think a preacher's kid who knows right from wrong, won trophy's for Scripture memorization, sang in church since I was 3yr old....you would think of all people I would have it all together. Sometimes, sad as it is, it's those of us who grow up in church, who can tell you every bible story you want to know and who can sing you every hymn by heart.....it is those that the church somehow losses. We see the faults of those who are not living like they claim or like Jesus himself instructs us.
Mostly though, it was an excuse for me to do as I wanted, then I discovered, there really was nothing I wanted in the world. I wanted peace of mind when I went to bed at night, I wanted to be Loved, I wanted to be excepted for who I was yet I wanted to be changed, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to feel that feeling I used to feel when I had prayed through, you know that peace that you feel that is better than anything this world could offer......I was so sure I never would again.
So the Summer I was 16, our Youth group was going to a camp in Missouri (SP?), JR was preaching it.
I had decided I wasn't going to go, instead I was going to stay home. I had come to the conclusion that I could never change, that I had made to many mistakes and God had been so merciful to me that He wouldn't give me another chance at salvation. I wanted to die. I felt dead inside already.
Then one day I was outside and I was just standing at the garage looking out in the back yard thinking of how miserable I was, and the thought came to me, 'Why don't you just go to youth camp this one last time, if God doesn't help you then when you get back home you can end your life then, what difference is one week going to make? What do you have to lose?" My heart had become so hardened and I felt so unworthy, used and unloved that I hadn't cared what happened to me, I didn't care what I did, I felt I wasn't worth loving, I felt that I deserved every wrong thing that happened to me I hated who I had become.
So I went. That one trip saved my life.God was so merciful to me that week. He restored me, in ways I can't explain. I wish I could say from that moment on that I was faithful to Him, but there have been times since that I have failed Him. He however hasn't failed me.
There may be times when I am low just from the pressures of Life or the attacks of the Devil trying to make me give up or give in. There have been times when I have laid in the bed and cried telling God, I quit, I am done, I can't do this anymore.....He has always been there to pick me up, give me strength to face just one more day, one more battle, and one more trial of Life. He has given me peace of mind so that when I go to bed at night, I don't fear sleep. And the Bible says He has bottled each of those tears, that they are precious to Him.
So last night as I listened to JR Alexander preach I cried for the sinner and the backsliders who were there, because I remember.....and I pray I never forget.........what might have been.
I Corinthians Chapter 6:9-11
9. Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
10. Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
11. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
In retrospect I understand the teenage me much better now than I did then. It wasn't so much that I wanted to be a sinner, or that I wanted to hurt the few people that cared for me. I just wanted to fit in with my older friends, it was that from the time I was 12 yrs old I had been talked about and lied on, I was hurting and scared and trying to prove I was neither.
By the time I was 16 people didn't have to lie on me anymore, I gave them plenty to talk about. I remember going to bed at night afraid I would die and wake up in Hell or that the Rapture would take place and I would be left....alone. I would freak out if I couldn't find my parents all of a sudden and not know where they were, thinking the Rapture had taken place and I had missed it.
You would think a preacher's kid who knows right from wrong, won trophy's for Scripture memorization, sang in church since I was 3yr old....you would think of all people I would have it all together. Sometimes, sad as it is, it's those of us who grow up in church, who can tell you every bible story you want to know and who can sing you every hymn by heart.....it is those that the church somehow losses. We see the faults of those who are not living like they claim or like Jesus himself instructs us.
Mostly though, it was an excuse for me to do as I wanted, then I discovered, there really was nothing I wanted in the world. I wanted peace of mind when I went to bed at night, I wanted to be Loved, I wanted to be excepted for who I was yet I wanted to be changed, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to feel that feeling I used to feel when I had prayed through, you know that peace that you feel that is better than anything this world could offer......I was so sure I never would again.
So the Summer I was 16, our Youth group was going to a camp in Missouri (SP?), JR was preaching it.
I had decided I wasn't going to go, instead I was going to stay home. I had come to the conclusion that I could never change, that I had made to many mistakes and God had been so merciful to me that He wouldn't give me another chance at salvation. I wanted to die. I felt dead inside already.
Then one day I was outside and I was just standing at the garage looking out in the back yard thinking of how miserable I was, and the thought came to me, 'Why don't you just go to youth camp this one last time, if God doesn't help you then when you get back home you can end your life then, what difference is one week going to make? What do you have to lose?" My heart had become so hardened and I felt so unworthy, used and unloved that I hadn't cared what happened to me, I didn't care what I did, I felt I wasn't worth loving, I felt that I deserved every wrong thing that happened to me I hated who I had become.
So I went. That one trip saved my life.God was so merciful to me that week. He restored me, in ways I can't explain. I wish I could say from that moment on that I was faithful to Him, but there have been times since that I have failed Him. He however hasn't failed me.
There may be times when I am low just from the pressures of Life or the attacks of the Devil trying to make me give up or give in. There have been times when I have laid in the bed and cried telling God, I quit, I am done, I can't do this anymore.....He has always been there to pick me up, give me strength to face just one more day, one more battle, and one more trial of Life. He has given me peace of mind so that when I go to bed at night, I don't fear sleep. And the Bible says He has bottled each of those tears, that they are precious to Him.
So last night as I listened to JR Alexander preach I cried for the sinner and the backsliders who were there, because I remember.....and I pray I never forget.........what might have been.
I Corinthians Chapter 6:9-11
9. Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
10. Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
11. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Broken to Beautiful
All week I have been thinking of Mosaic art, I can't get away from it so I thought I would share it with you to get it off my mind ;)
For those of you who don't know what Mosaic Art is, it is where an artist will take broken pieces of "things" and make them into a beautiful piece of art. You can make Table tops, Vases, Wall Decoration or any type of Home decor out of them, Floor tiles....the possibilities are endless and the results beautiful!
For those of you who don't know what Mosaic Art is, it is where an artist will take broken pieces of "things" and make them into a beautiful piece of art. You can make Table tops, Vases, Wall Decoration or any type of Home decor out of them, Floor tiles....the possibilities are endless and the results beautiful!
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| Mosaic Stairs...so LOVE! |
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| Beautiful Mosaic Bottle |
I researched how some people will go to Goodwills, Garage sales, and all type of junk store to purchase the pieces for their mosaic projects. They will buy the unwanted, the ugly, the chipped, the jagged, the broken, the cheap, the used, the discarded items nobody else can see value or use in. They PURCHASE them, then take them home and break them into even smaller pieces, so that they look like worthless, shattered things that you want to clean up the mess they made and throw away. Sometime friends will give them their unwanted or broken used items that are of no value to them anymore.
I can't help but to cry when I look at all these beautiful Mosaic pieces. In a spiritual sense it reminds me, God is the artist, I am the unwanted, worthless materials, and Satan or sometimes just Life itself is the one who has left me discarded and in the trash.
Here is the webster's dictionary description of Broken.
Broken: violently separated into parts : shattered damaged or altered by breaking, violated by transgression, made weak or infirm, subdued completely :crushed, sorrowful, not complete or full.
No matter how we got there, most of us have been broken at some time in our lives. If you haven't been you will be. Sometimes we have no one to blame but ourselves, we make wrong choices that lead to hurt, and shame, there are some sins you just feel you can't break away from, some actions that become addictions. Then we are innocently hurt by others, spoken to in a harsh critical and hurtful manner, lied on, cheated on, talked about, fallen in love with the wrong person, or maybe Life has just been hard as it can be and has "Violently separated" parts of us that were precious and priceless and irreplaceable.
Or it may be that we have been the one who cause hurt to others and because of Pride or self righteousness we haven't made it right, we haven't repented or we have done so without really meaning it. A person can say I'm sorry, and then a person can with a humble, contrite & broken spirit truly say , I am sorry for the hurt I caused, please forgive me. There is a huge difference. See, the self righteous will say I'm sorry simply so they can ease their guilt and try to tell themselves it is not their responsibility anymore. But if you are a blood bought child of God, He isn't going to let that be good enough. And yet, don't we still ignore and try to justify ourselves by finding fault in the ones we wronged? May God have Mercy, when he stops dealing with us to make our wrongs right.
And yet, here is what scripture says, "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds"
He takes every broken piece of us, every worthless part, and he loves us. It's not that he loves what we have become, or that He loves us because He loves our sin, but He loves us because He sees Value in us, HE PURCHASED us with His very Life.
He turns what this world sees as trash, the drunken, the prostitute, the murder, the liar, the child molester, the cheating spouse, the drug addict, the poor, the sick, the needy, the dirty, the stinky, the fat, the ugly, the rapist, the abusing.......pretty much He takes what is left of us after Sin has destroyed us, or after Life has been unkind to us and like an Artist, He puts us back together, not just with duct tape and Elmer's Glue, but He makes us vessels of honor, beauty and value "HE BINDETH UP THEIR WOUNDS"
There are events or actions in Life that can never be given back, a lost childhood, a loved one taken long before we were ready to let go, just somethings that are broken are irreplaceable, but we need to remember,
when we get to Heaven, this Life will be as if a dream.
"For now we see through a glass darkly but then face to face, now I know in part but then shall I know, even as also I am known."
No matter how we got there, most of us have been broken at some time in our lives. If you haven't been you will be. Sometimes we have no one to blame but ourselves, we make wrong choices that lead to hurt, and shame, there are some sins you just feel you can't break away from, some actions that become addictions. Then we are innocently hurt by others, spoken to in a harsh critical and hurtful manner, lied on, cheated on, talked about, fallen in love with the wrong person, or maybe Life has just been hard as it can be and has "Violently separated" parts of us that were precious and priceless and irreplaceable.
Or it may be that we have been the one who cause hurt to others and because of Pride or self righteousness we haven't made it right, we haven't repented or we have done so without really meaning it. A person can say I'm sorry, and then a person can with a humble, contrite & broken spirit truly say , I am sorry for the hurt I caused, please forgive me. There is a huge difference. See, the self righteous will say I'm sorry simply so they can ease their guilt and try to tell themselves it is not their responsibility anymore. But if you are a blood bought child of God, He isn't going to let that be good enough. And yet, don't we still ignore and try to justify ourselves by finding fault in the ones we wronged? May God have Mercy, when he stops dealing with us to make our wrongs right.
And yet, here is what scripture says, "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds"
He takes every broken piece of us, every worthless part, and he loves us. It's not that he loves what we have become, or that He loves us because He loves our sin, but He loves us because He sees Value in us, HE PURCHASED us with His very Life.
He turns what this world sees as trash, the drunken, the prostitute, the murder, the liar, the child molester, the cheating spouse, the drug addict, the poor, the sick, the needy, the dirty, the stinky, the fat, the ugly, the rapist, the abusing.......pretty much He takes what is left of us after Sin has destroyed us, or after Life has been unkind to us and like an Artist, He puts us back together, not just with duct tape and Elmer's Glue, but He makes us vessels of honor, beauty and value "HE BINDETH UP THEIR WOUNDS"
There are events or actions in Life that can never be given back, a lost childhood, a loved one taken long before we were ready to let go, just somethings that are broken are irreplaceable, but we need to remember,
when we get to Heaven, this Life will be as if a dream.
"For now we see through a glass darkly but then face to face, now I know in part but then shall I know, even as also I am known."
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
:)
So, if I didn't check my post stats.......I would think nobody ever read my blog! So to all you non-opinionated followers, thanks for reading ;)
We have revival this week, so I am not sure I will do to much blogging.....unless my mind gets to going and I can't sleep ;) So enjoy the first week of this new year!
Love
We have revival this week, so I am not sure I will do to much blogging.....unless my mind gets to going and I can't sleep ;) So enjoy the first week of this new year!
Love
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