A piece of my heart

I wrote this post weeks ago but couldn't bear posting it, I put it up then removed it and just saved it, as it is so personal, but maybe it is time to post it. So, if this is for you I pray your encouraged in reading, and knowing your not alone.
With Love & Prayer, Jamie

I have had soo many of you comment or personal message me about my blog. It seems the more personal and harder time I have sharing something, the more it has helped another.
I am a private person. When I am hurt, I don't like to talk about it, I don't like to think about it, and most of all I don't want you to know about it, I don't cry in front of others when I am hurt, I don't feel.......there are times I have went without praying for days, and that is awful to admit, because I could not bear having to kneel before God and letting Him see how broken I was,(as if HE didn't know....blondes..)
I was afraid to let myself cry for fear I would never stop, I was afraid to pour out my heart to Him because it meant I would have to confront and feel my inner pain. I would lay down at night and say, "God, I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you right now, it's not you, it's me."  I would go as long as I could then finally, when I knew I couldn't keep avoiding Him, and nobody was around to hear me, I would cry, body shaking sobbing would be a better description, it wasn't pretty..... and then I would talk to God, sometimes I think like Hannah, my heart and my tears told him more than my words ever could.
 I don't know, maybe this is normal behavior or at least it makes me feel better to tell myself that. haha!
 I look back at my life and I had a normal childhood nothing awful ever happened to me to make me react this way to heartbreak, but I always had a hard time talking about my feelings. And Life as it will, teaches us early what a broken heart is, what disappointment  is, what betrayal feels like....the Bible says, If I have hope in this life only, I would be miserable, and isn't that the truth?!

2001 was the best year of my life,spiritually speaking,  for the first time EVER I had more of a relationship with God than I ever had before, I prayed a lot.....I mean like more than once a day and 10min at a time. I mean for an hour or more and hated to stop at that. For the first time I knew God was real, that He was alive and that He was my friend.
Then one night at church the Holy Ghost gave me a message through somebody saying, "Do not think i would leave you out, I would never leave you out, I have loved you from birth, and I will give you the desires of your Heart"  I can't remember all but that was the most of it. I really wasn't sure what that meant, did it mean whatever I wanted most was what He would give me? Did it mean that the thought that had just passed through my mind before He spoke to me? Did it mean I would have a baby girl? I didn't know.
shortly after that I became pregnant, and so I thought this must be what the Holy Ghost meant God is going to give me a baby girl! I was thrilled. I remember a friend asking me what did I think it would be and I said "God said he would give me the desires of my heart and I think this is the baby girl I have been praying for!" Shortly after that on Sept 11, 2001, while the terrorist were attacking New York and the world was falling apart or so it seemed, I miscarried the baby.
It was such a hard time, I had never miscarried before and never gave thought that I would as I was so young and both Cayden and Tre` were no problem. It was shocking to me to have to go through the things you go through when you miscarry, I had no idea it would be so difficult. I had to go into the OB office where all these expecting moms were and tell the receptionist why I was there and give them that "brown bag" so they could test it and see if I needed to go to the hospital. It was so hard to leave knowing I had just given them "a piece of my heart".  After that , on the outside I was fine but inside I was broken. I felt guilty, I felt that I had been prideful in saying God was giving ME the desire of my heart, that maybe I had a proud or haughty spirit or thought myself above others cause God was answering my prayers......Looking back I know that was the Devil tormenting my mind and also just normal human emotions, as a mom we are to protect our children and yet somehow before mine was even born I had failed. You could tell me it wasn't my fault and I would just nod because I knew that but inside I still felt like it was my fault. since then I have miscarried 3 other times, and every time has taken a piece of my heart. Today when I look back, God knew and knows more than I ever will, I have to trust Him.
Yet still all this time later I have struggled with the guilt, it has affected my spiritual life in ways I can't explain  I was always scared to say God did this for me because I never wanted to seem boastful, I have struggled with thinking God wasn't hearing my prayers because I was being punished,  it seemed the harder I fought back the worse Life was getting.
See when God gave us this house to rent, it is more than just a house, it is proof to the Devil and to myself that God answers MY prayers, not because I am anything more than dirt but because no matter what I am HE LOVES ME, it's because He hears my prayers and I can finally say after 10 years this is one  battle I have won. There are some battles that leave scars and they do "Take a Piece of your heart" but, I find comfort in knowing those pieces of my heart, are safe.....in Heaven.
If living a Holiness life that others think is crazy, if  giving up the so called pleasures of this world, if living a Holy life on the inside as well as the outside, that is what I must do, because all that really is important is when God takes the "pieces" of my heart and puts them back together... when He makes me whole again.

 If you find yourself facing battles in your mind, if the enemy of your soul tries to make you feel guilt so that your afraid to put your trust in God because, your not good enough, if Satan tries to make you feel less of a christian because bad things have happened to you or those you love, take heart, your not alone.
Satan has tried this same lie and this same tactic on more than one child of God. Satan knows God loves us, he knows this more than we ourselves do, why else would he try so hard to make us doubt God's love, our self worth. The more you have to fight those feelings of doubting God's love, instead of blaming yourself, lift up your head, encourage yourself, if God didn't love you why is He bottling each tear your cry? why is he counting every hair of your head? And why is the devil trying so hard to convince you otherwise?

Psalms 56
8)Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
9)When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me.
11)In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.

Matthew 10:29-31
29)Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.

30) But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

31) Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.