Psalm 37:25King James Version (KJV)
25 I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.If you think in reading my blog you'll leave feeling inspired because I am one of those "got it all together" types of people, you really should find a new blog.
I don't have it all together. I am not spiritual, I am so far from spiritual. I am not that perfect Pentecostal woman. I'm not a person you should look to for a good example. I will let you down.
I am more like, the person who is a mess inside. The daughter who wonders if maybe I am a step child, instead of a real child of the King. That maybe God loves me less than the perfect Christ like ladies I go to church with. After all I would love me less. I know me.
I was taught that song as a child, "Every promise in the Book is mine. Every chapter. Every verse. Every line." I have sung that song to myself as an adult when my Faith was weak.
Yet when I was at my lowest, it wasn't. The scripture I clung too was like a mocking voice in my head that followed me everywhere. Every day instead of bringing me comfort, I would recall that scripture and it would torment me. I really felt like God had forsaken us. I felt like things were to that lowest point. Truly they were. And here again is that fine line of not being attention seeking or needy or wanting you to feel sorry for me and yet telling you how bad things were so you can see how BIG my God is...:)
I was so tired of fighting the same battle. I couldn't even answer my kids when they asked me, " Mom it feels like God isn't hearing our prayers. Why doesn't He do something? Why are we going thru this?" The best I could give them was I know how you feel, I feel the same way and I have no answer for you. Pretty lame, the mother of 5 kids and I still do not have it all together.
Most nights when I finished my praying I was emotionally exhausted, not because I had some great revival and renewed Faith but because even after all the tears I'd cried and the words I said I still felt empty and hopeless. It got to the place where I avoided praying because I just couldn't handle the emotional breakdown, I would pray and when I would start to feel that sadness and burden I would tell God, "I can't go there. I can't pray about that. I can't open myself up to that hurt. I am doing my best to hold it together for my kids and if I start to talk about this...I can't do that. So you know what it is please fix it." What Christian even prays like that?!
See I told you I am not a spiritual person...
My mind was saying He hears. Every word. Every thought. Every tear.
My emotions were saying God doesn't love you.
My doubt was telling me that song should say Every Chapter. Every Verse. Every Line. For Every body. Except you.
My circumstances was saying God has forsaken you.
I remember one day the kids wanted Gary and I to go swimming with them. So we did. It kinda was comical to me and I told Gary, " OH MY GOSH! Look at us! Living with my parents, 5 kids, both of us unemployed, yada yada , and here were are swimming in this pool like we don't have a care in the world! We're bums!"
LONG DRAMATIC story short... one day I got a call for an interview. IT wasn't where I wanted but it was still a job. As I was pulling in the lot for that interview my phone started ringing, it was for an interview at the place I wanted. Pretty soon I got a start date. A couple months later Gary got the call from GM. And was hired rather quickly looking back. At the time it seemed to drag on forever. Honestly I'd like to put as much time as possible between us and those rough times.
During on of my tormented prayers that I thought God wasn't listening too, in frustration I just told God exactly what we needed. I remember asking for a job for Gary that could pay enough to support our family and then I said "well God, if you really want me to be honest we need a job that pays "this amount at the least", I mean yes any job would be nice but this is really our need." I remember crawling back in bed beside my sweet little baby, feeling just as broken and hopeless as when I first begin my prayer. Would you believe when God gave Gary a job it was for MORE than the amount I had told him in that prayer?! It only started at the amount I had thrown out there...
I'd like to say that after that my faith was restored and I become a spiritual Giant but that's another post for another time... and this is me we are talking about.....until Part 2 I hope Part 1 leaves you with Hope and maybe a little faith in knowing sometimes life is hard. okay most times life is hard but no matter how dark and long the storm, God is always Good and that is the one thing I do know, beyond a doubt, no matter if I feel He leaves me, or if he Hears my Prayers, His goodness is something I can never question, never doubt. He's Good. He's Just. He's Merciful. He's Holy. He's Righteous. I am the problem in my life but He is the solution. Always.
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